PFL – Week 1 recap

Time to put your big boy pants on. Stop behaving like a little bitch and play some football.

In football we hit people. Instead of running out of bounds, we punch linebackers in their jaws up under the facemask, round the corner and head up-field. Football is about dominating others, dragging opposing players across the goal line. Football shouldn’t be about knocking others unconscious, but if they can’t take a hit them fuck ‘em. Why are you playing football if your body is that fragile?

Maybe I should tone it down a bit. This isn’t real football. This is only fantasy football, where 400 lb. sloths eating buckets of cheeseballs have the same chance to win as everybody else. There will be no punches to the jaw, but you still might want to guard your balls against what the kids these days call a “sack-pack”.

This is PFL 2011.

“Better back up, ’cause I’m here to act up.”

 

Hooray!

 

Jokes about your mother’s race and religion are certainly on the table.  If you are easily offended, or squeamish about men ramming things into their cock then you might want to skip the newsletter entirely.

 

Dear Alice,

I have started “cock-stuffing” in the past year or so. I use a glass thermometer and insert it into my urethra. I know that this is wildly dangerous — as the glass could break — but I thought it safer as it is manufactured very smoothly.

I know other men who use a variety of implements — pens, markers, tubes, etc., but I have only done it a few times — and it seems that the glass — while not safe as it could break — is safer as it must surely be smoother.

I use my own saliva as a lube — as I am not sure if a personal lubricant — i.e., Wet, KY jelly, or the like, is safe. Not that putting a piece of glass into your urethra is all that safe to start with.

My question — in the end — is personal lube okay to use? Is this a common fetish — I don’t do it often — and it doesn’t seem to affect me adversely afterwards.

Thank you for any light you can shed on this.

 

Dear Reader,

Cock-stuffing, or “sounding” as it is called in the S&M community, involves inserting smooth, long, and thin surgical steel rods called “sounds” (hence the name “sounding”) into a man’s urethra. The two most commonly used “sounds” are the Van Buren, which has a J-shaped curve on the end, and the Dittle, which is straight. Other objects, such as thermometers, may do the trick, but metal sounds are recommended because they are easier to clean and have no chance of breaking when in use. While a glass thermometer may be readily available, the risk of breaking (and leaking harmful mercury) makes this a risky option.

Sounders use lots of lube, so the “sound” can easily slide in on its own (gentle guidance may be necessary; pushing or forcing can cause tearing of the fragile tissue). If you encounter a constriction in the urethra that the “sound” will not pass through (most likely scar tissue), do not try to drive it through. More lube and a narrower sound may be more safe and successful.

Saliva isn’t generally recommended as a lubricant because it dries quickly (as you may have discovered already). Also, sugars from the mouth can be found in saliva that may cause urinary tract infections (UTIs). Sugars also can be found in some types of lube, sometimes listed as glycerin in the list of ingredients. Ultimately, a water- or silicone-based, glycerin-free lube with a thin consistency will probably work best for “sounding.” Silicone-based lubes are longer lasting, but water-based lubes may have a thinner consistency. However, some people find silicone-based lubes to be a bit harder to clean up. Men find what works by experimenting.

People enjoy using “sounds” for the pleasurable sensations felt while being inserted. They are also popular in the S&M community as a form of power exchange. Some of the curved “sounds” make getting an erection extremely difficult. If a penis starts to become erect, the person inserting the sound must wait until the erection subsides before continuing. Often sounds are locked into place so that a submissive partner cannot get an erection.

The main risks with “sounding” include tearing or cutting the urethra and infection. Anything inserted into the urethra is to be cleaned to reduce the chance of infection. Some discomfort may be felt later if the sound has stretched the urethra. If that happens, people use smaller “sounds.” Some men also feel burning when urinating, due to irritation. If the feeling continues for an extended period of time, the urinary tract may have become infected. If this occurs, or if there is blood in the urine, the person needs to see a health care provider. For those who use sounds, being open and honest with the provider is vital, in order to discuss alternatives for avoiding infection if they plan to continue “sounding.”

Just because you “don’t do it often” doesn’t mean you needn’t do it safely each time. Leave the thermometers, with the risk of broken glass and mercury poisoning, behind and invest in a “steel” sound. They can be found at some adult toy stores or online.

 

Sounding? Surgical steel rods called “sounds”?

 

 

Swamp Kings 1764

On My Knees 2711

Several owners have won the league on their first try. I believe Wiggum won it his first year, and so did Fatal Plus. Is this the year for On My Knees? I’ll go ahead and ask the question we’ve all been wondering. Are you a religious person? Does your team name reflect your practice of praying to Mecca 5 times a day? For those interested, here you can look up the proper times for salat: http://www.islamicity.com/PrayerTimes/

The alternative interpretation, and obvious choice for the rest of us, is that you are on your knees blowing random dudes in your spare time. Thus, the name On My Knees. Care to set the record straight? Which is it?

Swamp Kings 

Joe Flaccid – 260 pts. in the utter destruction of the Steelers. Joe was a starter this week in only 21% of Yahoo leagues
Megatron – 296 pts. in a win at Tampa Bay
Kenny Britt exploded for 392 pts. vs. the Jaguars craptastic pass defense. Note to other owners: start WR playing Jax
McFadden – 312 pts. vs. the Denver run defense. McFadden wishes he could play the Broncos every week.
Beanie Wells – 264 pts vs. the Panthers. Beanie looks to be the man in Arizona since Ryan Williams (38th pick in the draft) tore his knee and is on IR for the season.
Oddly enough, Kings had Anquan Boldin (208) and Tim Hightower (254) on the bench this week.
Looks like another very deep roster for the Kings this year.

On My Knees

This point total of 2,711 may stand all season as the highest output for a team. I hate to make this call prematurely, but I think On My Knees has already locked up the trip to Hawaii. This week, the rest of the teams averaged around 1,500 points, so this was quite a feat.
Tom Brady – 473 points on 517 yards passing and 4 TD. He had enough time in the pocket to make toast.
Miles Austin – 240 pts. vs a tough Jets defense
Plaxico – 204 vs. a not so tough Dallas defense
Steve Smith – 476 pts. Apparently Cam Newton understands where to throw the football if teams are not doubling Smith. 178 yards receiving and 2 TD.
Ray Rice – 418 pts. because he scored running and receiving, with a combined yardage of 149 (vs. the Steelers!)
Jahvid Best – 228 pts. in Tampa. Solid week for him, and even better for the Lions
SF Defense – 322 points! 2 return TD, 5 sacks, 1 INT, 2 fumble recoveries. Great job by the Seahawks.

 

 

Offal Team 1835

Fatal Plus 1742

“I go hard in the paint so you can’t match up”

Sunday night Offal was in the lead with the Jets yet to play and Fatal having Jason Witten going for the Cowboys. Near the end of the game it appeared that Fatal had the match wrapped up. That’s when the Jets blocked a punt for a TD, and I shot back into the lead. It was a good feeling for me, as if I had dunked on Fatal’s head. Fatal, can you describe your feelings to the rest of us? Please try to be as descriptive as possible. We all would like to share in your experience.

Big Ben – 76 points. 3 INT. Ben, you’re needed in the vip.
Percy Harvin – 207 pts., most of which was return yardage and a return TD
Amendola – 90 points including an elbow problem

Offal Team

Adrian Peterson – 208 pts. 98 yards rushing
Matt Forte – 90 yards receiving and a TD
Dallas Clark – 78 pts. because he was too busy blocking Mario Williams
Cedric Benson – 306 points vs. the ferocious Browns defense.
Jets Defense – 217 points to steal the victory. Thanks Cowboys for not blocking the man closest to the punter. When no one grabs the guy rushing straight up the middle, punts tend to end up rolling the wrong way.

Fatal Plus

Kolb – 246 pts. on 309 yards passing
Hakeem – 244 pts. 122 yards receiving
DeSean Jackson – 264 pts. on 102 receiving and a TD
MJD – 254 pts. on 97 yards and a TD
Ben Tate – 262 pts. on 116 yds. and a TD
Jason Witten – 220 pts. for 110 yards receiving
Philly D – 184 pts. with 13 points allowed with 5 sacks, a TD, and a fumble recovery.

With all those players over 200 points, it’s disturbing that you lost. Hope that never happens to me. lol^3

RalphWiggum AllStars 1377

DURTY WHORES 1545

 

Durty Whores, have you been following the latest Sarah Palin news? LINK Palin allegedly fucked Glen Rice in ’87 while he was playing hoops for Michigan. He was attending the Great Alaska Shootout, and of course Palin was a sports reporter.

Whores

Rivers – 277 pts. despite 2 INT vs. the Vikings
Mike Wallace – 214 pts. vs. Baltimore. Whores picked up Wallace with the first pick of the third  round in the PFL draft.
Ryan Matthews – 236 pts. also against the Minny defense. Whores have Rivers and Matthews of the Chargers to compliment #1 overall pick Arian Foster.
Bears D – Huge 271 day with 1 INT, 2 fumble recoveries, 5 sacks, 6 points allowed, and a TD.
Jay Cuter had a great day on the bench with 253, as did Aaron Hernandez with 266 on 7 catches. Hernandez was quite a steal at the end of the 12th round.

Wiggum 

LeSean Mccoy – 394 pts. Whenever a single player has over 25% of a FF team’s points, it means that team lost.
Jordy Nelson – 214 pts. on the bench. 77 yards and a TD
Gostkowski – 75 pts. I love you and miss you, but I simply did not believe in the value of your season during this year’s draft. If it’s any consolation, your five extra points this week brought back old feelings. I remember the comfort of knowing your team wasn’t going to get shut out. XP aren’t worth much in FF, but they are certainly better than nothing. The miss from 48 made me sad. First half OVER betters were even sadder than myself about that miss. You used to be money on those kicks. Good luck this season, my friend.

 

WanderLust 1894

GvilleGreen 1665

 

1	On My Knees		1-0-0	2711
2	WanderLust		1-0-0	1894
3	Offal Team		1-0-0	1835
4	Swamp Kings		0-1-0	1764
5	Fatal Plus		0-1-0	1742
6	GvilleGreen		0-1-0	1665
7      	एक सौ गज की दूरी	        	1-0-0  	1553
8	DURTY WHORES		1-0-0	1545
9	Pigfuckers		1-0-0	1440
10	RalphWiggum AllStars	0-1-0	1377
11	Donkey Punchers		0-1-0	1372
12	Hoggetowne Mafia	0-1-0	1182

As you can see, Wanderlust was the #2 scoring team this week in PFL, while Green was “middle of the pack” at #6.

After one week it would appear that if you can crank out 1,800 point weeks, you should be in pretty good shape. Some people, like Fatal, need to score 2,000 every week to have a chance at the playoffs.

Wanderlust

Brees – 386 pts. 419 yards and 3 TD vs. the Saints. I noticed that Wiggum picked up the Saints D this week.
Brandon Marshall – 278 pts. vs. the Patriots D. 139 yards, but no end zone.
Wes Welker – 440 pts. the Dolphins D. which made me cringe as I had bet the Phins @ +7.
Great performances from bench players Meachem (200) Jacoby Jones (237) Carnell Cadillac (280) and the Sanchez (228)
Wanderlust makes their presence known already. Great week.

Green

 

Stafford – 295 pts. and impressive in that he was not injured vs. Tampa.
Andre Johnson – 250 vs. the hapless Colts. 95 yards and a TD.
Reggie Bush – 248 pts. from the flex spot in Green’s lineup.
No other players were over 200 points this week, but Green’s starting lineup averaged 166 this week, which is certainly noteworthy. Green scored more points than every team in The Wraparound division. Anal Fury was easily the best division this week, as teams averaged over 2000 points each, buoyed by Knees’ 2711.

Pigfuckers 1440

Hoggetowne Mafia 1182

Wake up, Mafia. The season has already started! I have the Eagles’ Steve Smith projected for about 400 yards receiving this season as the #3 or #4 WR on the Eagles. But I see you started him this week. Was that on purpose? You were one of the 2% that started him in Yahoo leagues this week.

Mafia

Romo – 255 pts. vs the Jets. Solid day for stats, but not so much for helping your team win down the stretch. He wasn’t the only Cowboy to finish poorly.
Reggie Wayne – 272 pts. proves that Wayne is an exceptional player, still. On a day were the rest of the Colts shit their pants, he managed 106 yards and a TD.
Michael Turner – 250 pts. with 100 rushing and 40 receiving.
Bench player of the week was the Baltimore D with 264 points. Odd that Mafia started the Chiefs defense. Then again, they were playing Beefalo.

Fucking Pigs

They handled their biz this week with one noteworthy player, Aaron Rodgers and his 329 points. No other player broke 200, which was my threshold for mention this week. Fuckers managed to pick up a victory this week with an average of 140 per player.

 

Donkey Punchers 1374

एक सौ गज की दूरी 1553

एक

Dez – 214 pts. vs. the Jets. Not sure about his injury, but I think he’s gonna score some touchdowns this season.
Fred Jackson – 234 pts. in Buffalo’s 41 point outburst this week. Fred rushed for 112, but only managed 5 receiving yards. Someone please draw up some passing plays for Fred.
Gronkowski – 243 pts. Last pick of the 9th round in the PFL draft. He had a TD this week and a bonus 11 return yards.
Mike Tolbert – 366 pts. vs. the Vikings and his stat line is one not likely to be repeated. Trade him now. 1 TD rushing AND 2 TD receiving days will not come often.
Bench players Eric Decker (294) and Early Doucet (270) were 17th and 18th round PFL draft choices that kicked ass this week. For you to mine this type of week 1 gold with 17th and 18th round draft picks is nothing short of astonishing. I don’t know what to make of them going forward, but for now I’m stunned. Well done (except that you didn’t know enough to start them this week. But who did? ).

Donkey

Vick – 344 on 187 yards passing, 2 TD passes, and 98 yards rushing. Man handles his biz vs. the Rams.
Greg Jennings – 238 pts. 89 yards and a TD vs. the Saints.

After a bit of on-stage banter with John Maino of WIXX (101.1 FM), Jennings said he’ll continue to donate $1,000 to an area charity for each touchdown he scores this season, but he’ll raise that pledge to $3,000 for each touchdown he scores in Super Bowl XLVI.

“Hopefully I get a ton of them,” Jennings said.

The competition heated up after receiver James Jones pledged to match the donation for each touchdown he scores in the Super Bowl.

These guys are pledging dollars to charity for Super Bowl touchdown receptions.

I’m not very good at reading “the signs” but this seems to me a sign that the Packers will not be reaching the Super Bowl this year. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if both these fools have injury problems this year.

No one else on Punchers broke 200 this week. They had Davone Bess as WR3, so you know they were starting the season on a prayer.

——————————————-

 

My favorite Azn rappers. You can listen to the first few bars and get the gist. Appreciate the shout out to the Beastie Boys, because there’s plenty of stealing material going on here. The verses I want to highlight all come after the 2:30 mark. Makes me want to eat at King Taco.