PFL – Week 2 recap

Chubby interns that wear backpacks to football games always piss me off. Apparently, I’m not the only one.
No remorse. No apology. OK, well, they did hug after the game.

At first you can’t tell if the ball hits him squarely or not. But yeah, it gets him pretty good. The football bounces off his face and into the camera. Here it is in slow motion:

One other item this week before I take a look at the week #2 games, and that would be kitties and titties.

You can scroll down a bit, pause for a closer look at some of them, then scroll down some more. It’s like it never ends.

kitties and titties

GvilleGreen 1644

On My Knees 2139

On My Knees continues to impress, with the highest point total again this week.

On My Knees		2139
Offal Team		2019
RalphWiggum AllStars	1992
Swamp Kings		1888
एक सौ गज की दूरी	       	1887
DURTY WHORES		1771
Pigfuckers		1760
GvilleGreen		1644
Hoggetowne Mafia	1613
Fatal Plus		1549
Donkey Punchers		1475
WanderLust		1356

The average point total was 1,757 this week. meaning that Wanderlust was the statistical outlier, being more than 400 points lower than the mean. More on the sad story of Wanderlust later.

On My Knees

Tom Brady – 405 pts. on 423 yards passing, 3 TD vs. the Chargers. Brady is on pace to throw for 7,520 yards, crushing Dan Marino’s single season mark of 5,084 yards.
Miles Austin – 462 points, but he injured his hamstring in the process, and mostly likely will not play this week. My Knees next opponent, Donkey, seems to have caught a break. Now, if only something would happen to Brady.

Owner/GM Jerry Jones admitted Tuesday that the chances of Miles Austin (hamstring) playing in Week 3 are “probably pretty negative.”
The signing of Laurent Robinson was a concession that Austin won’t be available against the Redskins. Several ESPN reports have put Austin’s likeliest return at Week 6. If Dez Bryant (quad) can’t go this week, Kevin Ogletree will be the No. 1 receiver. Sep. 20 – 7:41 pm et 

Ogletree, eh? He is owned by 1% of yahoo leagues right now.

Looks like good news for Witten owners.
Steve Smith (carolina) – 282 points on 156 yards receiving. Interestingly, Steve Smith was a starter in only 56% of leagues this week.
Ray Rice – 252 points. This guy is a beast this year. He must have had some nagging injury last year, because he’s running with greater purpose, breaking more tackles and such.
Jahvid Best – 366 points on 57 rushing, 66 receiving and 2 TD vs. the KC defense.

On the bench this week was the Detroit D, with 241 pts.

On My is the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow and the cat’s pajamas. (c’est le must, le nec plus ultra)

Gville Green

Matthew Stafford – 321 points vs. the KC defense. He’s the only starting QB in the NFL that hasn’t been sacked yet. Apparently, the Lions would like him to play a full season this year. Odds that he breaks something when that first sack happens? 200-1
Andre Johnson – 246 pts. vs. the Dolphin D.  Not a big deal. No one can cover this guy.
Stevie Johnson – 252 pts. Get your Stevie Johnson black eye strips here.
Peyton Hillis – 324 pts. 94 yards rushing and 2 TD vs. the Colts defense. There can be only one Peyton.
LeGarrete Blount – 71 yards and 2 TD vs the Vikings. After a less than impressive first half, it seems like the entire Bucs team came alive in the 2nd half, including some tough running by Blount. “Where’s Blount? What happened to the Blount from last year?” He was back for 2 quarters at least.
Decent week for Green with some great individual performances, but a few of the starters simply didn’t contribute, such as Reggie Bush and Brandon Lloyd. You need to give those guys a couple bong hits.

This is the nature of the game. Sometimes you get got.

In the case of Brandon Lloyd, here is his status on Sunday morning, when one might be setting one’s linup.

Broncos coach John Fox believes players need to practice to get on the playing field on game day, and Lloyd was able to get in some work on Friday. We’d still be a bit leery of Lloyd’s effectiveness coming off what seems to be a nagging muscle injury in a tough matchup with Bengals RCB Leon Hall. Consider Lloyd more of a risky WR3 play than a WR2 for this game.

Cool. I guess he’s going to play today.

Then later in the day:

Despite speculation to the contrary, Lloyd could not get loose enough to play. Eric Decker will start opposite Eddie Royal, but has a very tough matchup with Bengals’ top corner Leon Hall. Willis McGahee will start in place of Moreno.

Not that it really matters. Green did not have a 600 point WR on the bench to take Lloyd’s place.

Donkey Punchers 1475

Hoggetowne Mafia 1613

Donkey Punchers (0-2) – Teams that start 0-2 have no reason to continue the season. It’s over.

Michael Vick – 198 pts. Here’s to you, Punchers.

There was a little too much Vick love for his return to Atlanta. Watching the pre-game was bizarre. What was with all the ATL Vick jerseys in attendance?

Devery Henderson – 266 pts What’s wrong with people? There’s no activity on the Devery Henderson Sucks Forum. None at all, except for the little star I added.
BenJarvus Green – 210 pts.  A man possessed. The Patriots drafted a running back in the 2nd and 3rd round this year.

Roy Helu – 224 pts. This is bullshit. Anyone understand the markup for a Wiki. I can never figure out how to edit the damn things. Someone needs to add Helu to the list of Tongan players. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Tongan_players_of_American_football

Bench player of the week was Denarius Moore – 402 pts. I’m jealous. I want Moore.

Hoggetowne Mafia (1-1) This team is at .500 despite being the lowest scoring team in the league.

Tony Romo – 294 pts. including a cracked rib and a punctured lung.

Antonio Ramiro “Homo” Romo (born January 2, 2006) is a professional American football quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and Brett Favreimpersonator. He was cloned from Favre’s DNA to become the Packers QB after Favre would retire in 2224. Tony Romo was stolen by the Dallas Cowboys who had to kill a quarterback they drafted from Eastern Illinois University with the same name to make room for Romo on the roster. Romo wears number nine. This symbolizes the number of dicks he wishes he had and wishes he could suck on all of them at the same time.

Rashard Mendenhall – 216 pts. Did you knowthat Mendenhall is a 911 “truther”?
Michael Turner – 352 pts.

When I retire, I'm moving to Mexico to star in Donkey shows.

Tony Gonzalez – 286 pts. and made the catch of the week. There were some other great catches this week, but I liked his back of the end zone grab above all others. Best tight end evar.
On the bench was Willis McGahee – 272 pts. is a surprise, as I thought McGahee was done years ago. McGahee’s last 100 yard game was 2009. The league needs to test this guy for roids.  This from Rotoworld after week 1:

Willis McGahee carried the ball four times for three yards and added five receptions for 32 yards in Week 1 against Oakland.
McGahee got a carry from the six yard line, but was promptly stuffed by a swarming Oakland defense. With Knowshon Moreno banged up McGahee could become a popular waiver wire pickup, but it was clear tonight that a lot of his former talent and explosiveness has dried up. Expectations should be low for the brittle backup. Sep. 13 – 2:17 am et

Offal Team 2019

Pigfuckers 1760

Offal is 2-0 in the division. There are 3 undefeated teams, each sits atop a division, shitting and pissing on those below. Cell Block 6 is like a chicken coop. Eventually my shit makes it all the way down to Fatal Plus. This is not free range football.

Cell Block 6 is the home of all my bitches. First there was Fatal, then Pigfuckers.  Sure, they eat their own feces, but it’s not like they know any other way. We’re all packed in this division and have no choice but to play each other for weeks on end. It looks a bit like this:

 Pigfuckers

Aaron Rodgers – 299 points because he’s a fuckin’ ninja.

Jeremy Maclin - 464 pts. because he’s a fuckin’ ninja too. He had a great game up until the final drive when he dropped a 4th down pass.

Ahmad Bradshaw - 208 pts. Enjoy it while you can. His carries will slowly be given to Brandon Jacobs, who is NOT a ninja.

James Starks - 230 pts. Ninja. 6.8 yards per carry on the season.

Sure all these guys are ninja, but there are so many of them that the Inverse Law of Ninjas applies.

RalphWiggum AllStars 1992

Fatal Plus 1549

Wiggum

Matt Schaub - 231 pts. Oh no! The Dolphin defense! Whatever will I do? They might even force me into completing less than 70% of my throws!

Vincent Jackson - 464 pts! The Chargers failed to sign Jackson to a contract extension this week, AND they declined to put the franchise tag on him. In what world would you possibly let this guy go via free agency? Chargers fans are beside themselves.

LeSean McCoy - 352 pts. Amazing week. I have no idea how the man can possibly concentrate on football at a time like this. There’s a fucking Twitter war going on!

Jordy Nelson - 228 pts. Didn’t see that one coming. He more than doubled his projection, AND he’s a television star. Check out his work. He’s amazing. If you don’t shed a tear or two, you have no heart. This commercial makes Jordy look pretty studly, if you ask me.

Fatal Plus Fries

Kevin “corn on the” Kolb - 206 pts. He’s the man. He’s the most exciting man I’ve ever known. Not sure why I’m so drawn to him, but he drives men wild wherever he goes. Just listen to how excited this man gets:

• TOUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH­HHHHHHHHHHHHH DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN­NNNNNNNNN. 

  LADDY

  LADDY

  LADDY

  LADDY

  LADDDYYYYY

  FITTTZZZZ GEERRRRRRAAALLLLLLLL

Maurice Jones-Drew - 214 pts. Solid day for the 11th overall pick in our draft. We’ll have to see what happens to MJD with a new quarterback behind center. I’m guessing MJD will be even more effective w/ the upgrade at QB.

Ben Tate - 270 pts. Best Auburn RB in the NFL? Or is that Cam Newton?

Heath Evans	        New Orleans Saints
Tony Richardson	        New York Jets
Ronnie Brown	        Philadelphia Eagles
Mario Fannin	        Denver Broncos
Brandon Jacobs   	New York Giants
Ben Tate	        Houston Texans
Carnell Williams	St. Louis Rams

Jason Witten - 204 pts. Going to have a huge week coming up. He just signed a new 5 year deal, so he should be pretty happy about his situation. It’s not nearly the story that Tony Romo’s is, but Witten suffered bruised ribs vs. the 49ers too.

WanderLust 1356

DURTY WHORES 1771

Hot Karl? You betcha.
Pic links to UD definition. I did not know about the inclusion of a sock. Has this changed?

Durty Whores

Philip Rivers -264 pts. Rivers faces KC this weekend. You should bench him.

Mike Wallace - 312 pts. Easy day vs. the Seahawks, and another easy day coming up vs. the Colts.

Pittsburgh receiver Mike Wallace has been excellent so far. His 16 receptions are the second most in the NFL. He’s tied for fourth in yardage with 233 and his three third-down catches have averaged 22.7 yards. 

Dwayne Bowe - 226 pts. With all the problems facing the Chiefs, defenses should simply double Bowe and take him out of the game. Pretty soon I think Bowe will fake an injury so he can skip this season.

Ryan Mathews - 312 pts. He has more receiving yardage than rushing yardage, and I think that will continue. This guy was an absolute steal as the 12th pick in the 4th round of our draft. By my count, 22 running backs were taken before Mathews. There are only 9 RB in the PFL with more points than Mathews to this point.

Wanderlust

Excellent week by Wanderlust. Where to start?

Drew Brees - 297 pts. Yup. He’s there every week.

Brandon Marshall - 218 pts.

Brandon Marshall says he keeps a notebook of coach Tony Sparano’s aphorisms, even when they require an explanation.

Marshall’s favorite is one he heard upon first joining the Miami Dolphins before the 2010 season.

“Coach Sparano told me after I signed, ‘Sometimes it’s a shot glass, sometimes it’s a wheelbarrow.’”

Jerome Simpson - on the bench w/ 272 pts. You fucked up. This was the week to start this guy. In fact, this may have been the best day to start Simpson in his entire career. How about this story?

Jerome Simpson apparently really loves smoking weed. Or maybe he’s a pot dealer on the side. It’s really hard to tell with Bengals players these days.

Cincinnati police intercepted a package that was sent from California to Simpson’s house that contained two and a half pounds of marijuana. When the cops showed up to search the house they found six more pounds of pot inside the house along with Bengals fourth-year tackle Anthony Collins and an unamed woman.

I was about to say that he was really stupid, but not so fast. Can any of you say that you have a way to arrange that much weed being sent to your home?

The worst part about Wanderlust’s week was the loss of Jamaal Charles. Here, this video should cheer you up.

Swamp Kings 1888

एक सौ गज की दूरी 1887

Holy shit. How do you lose by one point?

That kind of thing would seriously piss me off.

Sorry about the advertising you have to suffer through. Just hit play and scroll down a bit. Continue reading.

For future reference, if you would like to lose on any given week, I strongly suggest leaving someone in your lineup that isn’t actually going to play.

एक सौ गज की दूरी

Dez – 0 points vs. the locker room.

10 am

According to NFL Network’s Jason La Canfora, things are “not looking good” for Dez Bryant (quadriceps, questionable) in Week 2.

 

Kevin Olgetree will see snaps in Bryant’s absence, but we hope Dez owners already had a better contingency plan in place. Also inactive are QB Stephen McGee, G Bill Nagy, G David Arkin, DL Clifton Geathers, CB Terence Newman and CB Orlando Scandrick.

BUT, early in the morning you received information that he would play, so you decided to start Dez. Now if you think back, you know your boyfriend said it was a bad idea, but you listened to that other guy instead. Normally, I couldn’t give a shit about you giving away wins. There’s a line though. Giving a W to the Queens is haaard to forgive. That bitch needs all the losses we can give her. The sad part is that you had this won. Your team was the better team! You struck fantasy gold this week. 1,887 points is a great achievement, but you need to take the cock out of your mouth long enough to properly set your lineup. Mmmkay?

Matt Ryan – 250 pts. “Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan was limited in practice Wednesday after taking a pounding against Philadelphia”  How does this translate to the official NFL injury report? He’s probable with a sore anus?

Fitz – 326 pts. If there’s one player on the Cardinals you can’t let behind your defense, it’s Larry. How does this fucking happen? Someone needs to be fired for this.

Not nearly as exciting in English.

Fred Jackson – 400 freakin’ points. Guess who leads the NFL in rushing after 2 games? Guess who also wants a new contract?

Gronkowski – 292 pts. – I cannot seem to remember an offense in my lifetime with two tight ends tearing shit up like the Patriots. Anyone have an example of a 2 TE set as dangerous as the current Patriot offense?

Bench player A.J. Green made his presence known with 308 pts. If only there was a spot in the starting lineup for someone like A.J..

Oh yeah, the Pitt D contributed 221 pts. vs. the prolific Seahawks offense.

Swampy Snatch

Fuckin’ lucky bastard. If anyone needs more losses it’s you. Fuck me. Fuck all of us. How do you say 4x fucked? It’s quad something, right? We’ve all been quadrafucked by एक सौ गज की दूरी.

Kings have fought through the most difficult schedule of anyone thus far and have managed to escape with a win. Victory for Swampy should have never happened this week. I’m not bitter though.

Kenny Britt – 330 pts. Not sure how this dipshit is still playing football. He did not appear in court this week, but his legal team managed to get the court date postponed. 

Britt, 22, was scheduled to appear at Hoboken Municipal Court this morning on charges stemming from an arrest at a Hoboken car wash in June in which police believed Britt was holding a marijuana “blunt.”

Britt was originally charged with resisting arrest, tampering with evidence and obstructing, all felonies. A few days later the charges were downgraded to disorderly persons offenses.

In April Britt was arrested after he lead police on a chase in Bayonne, police said. Eventually Britt pleaded guilty to reckless driving and paid a nearly $500 fine.

The former Rutgers star has had seven incidents involving police since 2009.

How do you lead the police on a chase and not end up in jail? He’s been claiming a hamstring injury since training camp. Not sure if it really bothers him, or he’s just fond of skipping practice.

Darren McFadden – 376 pts. on 70 something rushing and receiving plus two TD. Of course he’s going to get injured at some point this year. I wonder if he still has the pimped out Crown Vic from his days at Arkansas.

Tim Hightower – 212 pts. vs. his old team,  the Cards. He’s having a great year, and apparently really digs the Green Lantern.  

Beanie Wells – 246 pts. in showing Tim Hightower that Beanie is still be better back.

Kings also have Cam Newton on the bench. 388 this week!

——————————-

That’s all for PFL today. Here is one extra unrelated item. It’s old, but still funny.

Charley Murphy. Basketball, Murphy’s crew vs. The Revolution. The shirts against the blouses.

Pancakes. Gets me every time.

GL this week.