PFL – Week 3 recap

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Sorry so late. All plans this week met with defeat. This was not the fungus of laziness, but something similar. The problem is not feeling like doing anything. Alabama is going to kick Gator ass. The most Florida can do is get some cheap points via special teams and possibly home cookin’ with the refs. My life is reduced to wishing on refs and farts. Can you visualize your starting lineup achieving beyond their yahoo projections this week? It’s great that you still dream. Keep dreaming, but it’s getting serious around here. Some teams don’t have any wins yet. Fatal and Donkey are both winless. What you may not realize is that when your team loses, we extract 3 pints of your blood while you sleep. We divide it among the winners, raise a glass to each other and drink the blood. Some do shots of blood, some savor and sip. Either way, we drink quite a bit of your blood. After a couple weeks, your body is in serious trouble. You can’t even set your lineup at that point. After three weeks, even the healthiest of pimps will suffer cardiovascular collapse. I worry about some of you. This pale look doesn’t suit you.

There is one ass-kicking owner that drinks blood every week. He’s beginning to make fools of all of us. Rumor has it that he keeps a small sample of the blood on a slide, like Dexter.

On My Knees is like Swamp Kings 'cept for the wins

He’s living it up right now. He’s a giant. He’s untouchable. With point totals up around two grand every week On My Knees is 3-0. He’s made enough money after 3 weeks that he can afford a pair of $1,700 pair of shoes.

Where exactly are you going to wear these?

That’s some pimp shit right there. Who’s the lucky lady?

On My Knees finally answered the question about the moniker. He said that he prefers to cum on his knees.

“That’s cool. If you don’t mind me asking, what is it about cum on your knees that excites you? I’ve never really understood the desire to jizz on tits or thighs, let alone your own knee. ”

“No, I mean that I’m kneeling. I’m on my knees. Get it?”

“Not really, but thanks for the clarification. I thought you were aiming for your own knees…never mind. So, you ejaculate while on your knees? Are you praying while you do this?”

“No! I find that when I masturbate the experience is more intense when I kneel down.”

“Your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or whatever is cool with this? They kneel down too?”

“Bwwwwwwt, that’s so funny! You silly goose! I’m by myself. This is what I do when I’m alone.”

Cool. Thanks for finally clearing up that mystery.

Have a good time with that.

This week, rather than write the newsletter, I’m following the mobs gathering in NYC. It’s been boring mostly, but there have been some nice moments when NYPD has punched people in their face. Some even got the pepper spray. There’s smartphones and cameras everywhere, but I need better audio. Before the cop punches someone in the face, I want to know exactly what was said. All sorts of people have been joining the protesters this week.

#occupywallst

Can’t afford your antidepressants? !!! Fuck.

They should all move to North Korea where no evil corporations fuck up society.

Back to business.

The average PDF score this week dropped around 200 points, to 1,578. There’s no larger point here, such as NFL defenses are catching up to offenses, resulting in lower scores. What really happened was shit weeks from Mafia, Pigs, and Donkey.
Also, On My Knees dipped below the 2,000 point mark for the first time, which is good news for the rest of us. Hope that downward trend continues.

On My Knees 1936
Offal Team 1788
एक सौ गज की दूरी 1773
GvilleGreen 1717
WanderLust 1717
DURTY WHORE 1689
RalphWiggum 1678
Swamp Kings 1640
Fatal Plus 1632
Donkey Punch 1293
Pigfuckers 1118
Hoggetowne 956

Only $5 - What a bargain.

The NFL play of the week is compliments of the Bears. Sadly, this touchdown did not count, as there was a holding violation on the Bears. Can you spot a hold? Or better yet, can you spot the ball?

Really? Plays like this work at the NFL level?

This is right up there with a baseball pitcher chasing back the runner to first, only to have the first baseman pretend to throw the ball back to the pitcher. Then, the unsuspecting base runner is tagged out when he creeps off the bag again. This works only ONE TIME, be it ten year olds, or NFL players. So, it’s sad that we won’t see this exact trickery again.

Fucking refs. What hold? Why would anyone possibly need to hold on that play?

Offal Team 1788

Hoggetowne Mafia 956

It’s just like having a bye week. Thanks Mafia for the stress-free week. What little doubts I had about winning were totally erased by about halftime of the early Sunday games. I never think to cast my vote for which team I think is going to win each week, but I see that Mafia received a vote from Whores last week.

Q: Who can suck the most dicks per hour?

Whores loves you.

Mafia -

The Baltimore defense chipped in 228 points, but the rest of the team was on strike. Sorry about your labor disputes.

Offal

Big Ben, AP, Percy, and Sproles. Not a great week, but enough to coast to victory. Knees is on deck.

RalphWiggum AllStars 1678

GvilleGreen 1717 (edit: 1695)

This game was tight, but then was even tighter after Yahoo applied the stat corrections. Here is the week 3 corrections:

It would appear that Green lost 11 yards from Reggie Bush, yards that were originally given to Henne. Just so everyone knows, the games aren’t really final until say…. Tuesday. There are stat corrections every week. Earlier this year when Swamp Kings won by just a single point, I was hoping there would be a stat correction and they would end up losing by one point. Too bad. In this case, Green managed to hold on for the win, despite the adjusted point total.

Here’s what happened:

As you can see, Gostkowski easily bested the other kicker. Wiggum should have won, but Julio Jones saved the day for Green! It’s rare in the NFL for rookie WR to have much of an impact, but I think Julio Jones and AJ Green are as good as advertised.