PFL – Week 9 recap

 

 

True.

 

In the NFL, the Dolphins finally earned a victory. In the PFL, Offal Team finally tasted defeat.

None of this matters, because there’s unscripted  sexual wrestling to watch.

http://www.ultimatesurrender.com

They only let you watch 5 clips of the action, but it was not enough information to explain exactly what the fuck was going on. From what I could tell, the loser gets fucked in the ass with a strap-on. What confused me most at first was why they were getting finger fucked in the middle of the match.

Does everybody but me know about this “sport” ?

Here’s the confusing set of rules: http://www.ultimatesurrender.com/site/us/rules.jsp

 

 

Part of what I couldn’t figure out is explained by the “Style Points”

Is there some type of training for these judges? Sign me up.

Style Points (Can only be earned by wrestler in control.)
Action	Immediate Points	Points for time held thereafter	Additional Information
Breast fondling	1	1 (every 10 sec)	Once the wrestler stops the fondling she cannot earn points for 10 more seconds.
Pussy fingering (no insertion)	1	2 (every 10 sec)	Once the wrestler stops the fingering she cannot earn points for 10 more seconds.
Pussy fingering (insertion)	1	3 (every 10 sec)	Once the wrestler stops the fingering she cannot earn points for 10 more seconds.
Pussy licking	1	5 (every 10 sec)	Once the wrestler stops the licking she cannot earn points for 10 more seconds.
Breast smothering	1	1 (every 30 sec)	Once the wrestler stops smothering she cannot earn points for 10 more seconds.
Outstanding Holds	2	2 (every 30 sec)	Valid once for current control period. Referee’s decision.*
Face sitting (pussy directly on nose and mouth)	3	3 (every 10 sec)
Kissing (tongue in mouth penetration)	5
Kissing (face, neck, ears)	1	2 (every 10 sec)

One of my favorites:

Offal Team 1636

DURTY WHORES 1695

Both of these teams clinched a playoff birth this week. Congrats to Durty Whores for taking down the last undefeated team. You win. Here is your prize:

WHORES

Rivers – 319 despite the 3 picks. Green Bay’s defense will often bait a QB into throwing  into coverage, but I’m not so sure that was the case this week. Looked like he simply made a few really poor decisions. 11 TD and 14 INT on the season.

Arian Foster – 360 vs. the Browns defense. Cleveland’s pass defense is actually pretty good. The run defense? Not so good.

Those were the studs for the Whores this week, but contributions from five other players were in the 150 range. Whores have Mafia on deck.

 

WanderLust 1833

Donkey Punchers 1297

Donkey

Only one player on this team stood out this week, Steve Breaston - 230 points vs. the Dolphins. Note to other owners: start all WR facing the Dolphins defense.

Roy Helu - 262 on the bench.

Torrey Smith - 202 on the bench.

Punchers are 2-7 on the season with Swamp Kings up next.

Wanderlust

Brees – 259 vs. Tampa Bay and it wasn’t even that good a week for him. 258 yards, 2 TD and a pick.

Brandon Marshall - 272 vs. the Chiefs. 8 catches, 106 yards and a TD. It’s amazing how much better his stats are when the QB plays a good game. Took Matt Moore a few weeks to catch on, or it could just be the Chiefs defense. Either way, good week for Marshall.

Wes Welker - 298 vs. the Giants. After two down weeks, Welker finished this week w/ 9 catches for 136 yards.

Frank Gore - 228 vs. the Redskins. He averages right at 100 yards per game.

Michael Bush - 318 Great week for Bush with rushing a receiving yards. Can’t seem to find the end zone though.

Green Bay D – 212 points vs the Chargers. Pretty good for a defense that gave up 460 yards and 38 points.

 

Hoggetowne Mafia 1609

एक सौ गज की दूरी 1819

 

100 Yards wins again? The total score for their roster this week was 2,954, including the bench. This team is on fire. Instead of going player by player, I’m just going to post the entire roster.

Mike Tolbert – 344 filling in for Ryan Mathews this week. I think Mathews will be back this week, but perhaps he will be hurt again for the PFL playoffs.

Matt Ryan – 273 because he was facing the Colts defense.

Fred Jackson – 210 not a bad score, but he was well short of his projection. Tough week for Buffalo, as they were manhandled at the point of attack by the Jets.

Gronkowski – 262 because Tom Brady was determined to throw it to Gronkowski over and over again.

Excellent week by 100 Yards w/ 300 point Jacoby Ford on the pine.

Look out, Fatal Plus. You are next.

Mafia

Willis McGahee - 446 on a Yahoo projection of 68. This is a shocker. I thought Oakland would stack the box to stop runs by Willis and Tebow. As it turns out, the Raiders just fucking blow.

Tony Romo – 278 vs. Seattle. The Cowboys should have blown out the Seahawks this week, but Dallas would rather make critical mistakes and let inferior opposition just hang around all game. Yes, I bet the Cowboys. Fuckers.

Michael Turner - 216 vs. the Colts. 19 carries on the day, despite the Falcons rushing 41 times. Weird.

 

 

Pigfuckers 1598

On My Knees 1654

Pigfuckers fall to 3-6, mostly because of the Oakland defense. How do you let the Broncos rack up 300 yards on the ground? The Tebow option attack was simply too much.

Aaron Rodgers – 438 because incomplete passes are for pussies.

Steven Jackson - 284 which is great considering he did not find the end zone (4 rushing TD on the year) and only managed one reception.

Antonio Gates - 252 which is a great week for someone who has 25 catches on the year and only 2 TD.

Oakland D – 5 points on a day where Pigfuckers lost by only 56.

On My Knees

Tom Brady – 206 Two more interceptions this week.

Ray Rice – 232 against the Steelers via 43 rushing, 43 receiving and a TD

Marshawn Lynch - 346 Not quite beast mode, but certainly a good day. His Yahoo projection was only 95.

On My Knees faces Wiggum this week.

+

Fatal Plus 1315

GvilleGreen 2134

High or not, Green’s monster week of 2,134 was completely unexpected. Holy shit. This illustrates why winning the PFL or any fantasy league is a difficult task. You could be the #1 ranked team heading into the playoffs, but this type of week by your opponent knocks you right out. There is not best of 5 series. One and done. Great week by Green.

Jay Cutler – 200 points to make this list. Cutler and the Bears were solid this week in upsetting Philly on the road.

Julio Jones - 448! Found the end zone twice to go along with his 131 yards. This was better than any day he ever had at Bama.

Reggie Bush – 344!  Kim Kardashian is single again. Perhaps he felt like showing off.

Arizona D – 235 points vs. the Rams.

Green moves to 3-6 and stay in the playoff hunt. They have 3-6 Pigfuckers this week.

+

 

 

RalphWiggum AllStars 1844

Swamp Kings 1574

And here I thought Swamp Kings were going to make a playoff run.

Swamp Kings

Tim Tebow - 386 points on 118 rushing, 124 passing and 2 TD passes. How the fuck do you lose if you are getting 386 from Tebow?

DeMarco Murray - 372 vs. the Seahawks. Not quite the 566 he had two weeks ago, but pretty damn good.

For a team projected to finish with 1050 this week, Swamp Kings actually did surprisingly well. Just not good enough.

Wiggum

Eli Manning - 215 Eli has the 8th most points among PFL quarterbacks, but he’s actually playing better than that.

Vincent Jackson - 462 points on 3 TD, 141 yards, and 20.1 yards per catch.

LeSean McCoy - 294 points – He’s scored a TD in every game this year? That’s crazy.

Pierre Thomas - 242 points on 8 rushes and 4 catches

Excellent week for Wiggum who just doubled their number of wins. Double up a couple more times and you’re in!

———

 

One last thing. You should click here and learn a few things. Idiot. It’s facts and chicks.com .

make a fist with your left hand. squeeze your left thumb inside the fist. Now take your right index finger and put it down your throat. You should have no gag reflex. 

 

Useful for the knob polishers among us.